Call ralph on the porcelain phone

Hmmm, so last night my toilet stopped working. I tried to snake the toilet pipe myself and ended up scratching the porcelain in the bottom of the bowl. Wonderful, now my toilet will constantly look unclean.

My snaking efforts were in vain so I call a plumber and ask if someone can come out that night. "For an emergency off-hours fee of $190.00 someone can," he says. I opt to make an appointment for Friday. He tells me that he'll have the "scheduling lady" call me in the morning to give me a time window. Oh great.. a window. There goes my whole day.

The "scheduling lady" calls around nine in the morning and tells me Craig the Plumber will be by between noon and three. She takes all my info and hangs up. I've been eating crackers all morning and haven't had anything to drink, to try and quell the need to pee, as my only bathroom is currently out of order.

Around one in the afternoon this phone call occurs:

Maryann: Hello, this is Maryann from ** Plumbing and Mechanical. Craig the Plumbler will be by in about 30 minutes, he's just finishing up a job from hell in the South End. What cross streets are you at?
Me: My street is between ** and ** Street. My house has a pink foundation, you can't miss it.
Maryann: Oh! How did that happen?
Me: I painted it.
Maryann: oh. ok then. Look for a big red truck.

Three minutes later, the phone rings again...

Maryann: Hello, this is Maryann from ** Plumbing and Mechanical, again. I just need to verify some information...
Is your name spelled B-E-C-K?
Me: Yep.
Maryann: Oh Ok. So this isn't a typo. Is that short for like, Rebecca or something?
Me. Yep.
Maryann: oh. ok. Look for a big red truck.
Me: ok. Bye.

Craig the Plumber arrives, along with some sort of plumbing intern. They think that it's probably just a clog of some sort and snake the pipes with an industrial heavy duty snake. I'm in my office, catching up on some Bag Lunch stuff, and for the next forty minutes all I can hear are the grunts of hard labor and the screeching sound of the super snake, working it's way around in my toilet.

Then Craig the Plumber comes out of the bathroom, wipes sweat from his brow and we have this little dooming conversation...

Craig the Plumber: Uh, Beck... whatever is clogged in there isn't coming out. You need a new toilet.
Me: oh shit.
Craig the Plumber: No. No, that isn't what's in there.
Me: eh, I know.. I just... nevermind.
Craig the Plumber: Well, if it matters any, that toilet you have is really really old. I haven't even seen one of this brand in years. Now, we have toilets on the truck, but we charge a huge overhead on them. Are you near a Home Depot?
Me: Yeah.
Craig the Plumber: Ok. Why don't you go run and pick one up while I take apart this old one and we won't charge you for the snaking at all, just for the toilet installation. Ya know, it could be anything in there. Last week I had a job where we couldn't get the clog out. The whole toilet had to be removed and we took it outside and smashed it to see what the obstruction was. It turned out to be a tiny picture of Saint Anthony. Isn't that weird?
Me: Yeah, that is weird. How much do toilets cost?
(This is very nice of him to not make me buy on of his rip-off truck toilets, so I run to that big orange savior and pick out the cheapest setup I can find. Whatever.. I'll upgrade to a "luxury" toilet when I win the lottery.)

I come back with my economy crapper and he looks at the box, raises his eyebrows and says he hopes it will work out. He dissed my new John!

I go back into my office to work while Craig the Plumber and the intern install my toilet. I hear a cell phone ring and some hushed talk in excited tones. Craig the Plumber comes out of the bathroom...

Craig the Plumber: Uh, Beck... my wife's water just broke. I have to go, right now. We'll send someone to finish up the job. I'm sorry.
Me: oh! Congratulations!
Before I get out the "ulations", he's already back in the bathroom trying to quickly pick up all the packing materials from the cheapo throne. I run in there and tell him: "Go! Go! I can clean this up. You go!"

He thanks me and dashes down my front steps, his little intern clipping at his heels. The big red truck races down the street, leaving me alone with my half-installed toilet.

So right now I'm waiting for the relief plumber to get here and I hope he gets here soon, because I have to pee.