Backdoor Dan

Last night at three in the morning I was woken up by the sound of rustling and clanking and other noises that, in my semi-awake, groggy state, sounded like my home was being broken into.

I did what any paranoid person would do... I grabbed the phone off my night stand, hid under my bedcovers and listened very purposely in order to try and determine what was happening. I came to the conclusion that I wasn't being burgled and that the noise was happening somewhere outside.

I should add that I fully blame my burglar paranoia on McGruff the Crime Dog. His "Take a Bite Outta Crime" campaign that saturated my brain when I was a kiddo has traumatized me. I'm constantly checking to make sure doors are locked and that windows are secure. It's awful.

Anyway....

I crawled out from my blankety hideout, ambled into my kitchen and looked out the window. What I saw was probably the dumbest thing my jerk neighbors have done, thus far...

My jerk neighbor was installing a new exterior door to his house, at THREE IN THE MORNING.

THREE. IN. THE. MORNING.

I'm not generally bothered my noise all that much, having previously lived in Allston where ruckus thrives like rats, but cutting through the WALL OF A BUILDING at that hour is inconsiderate. And dumb.

But mostly inconsiderate.

Nothing to see here...move along...

Last night, the doorbell rang...

random guy: Hi. Is your Mom or Dad home?

me: Eh, No. (I haven't actually lived with my parents in nine years.)

random guy: Oh. Are you the home owner?

me: Yep.

random guy: Do you live alone?

me: No. (I always say this when asked by strangers. No one needs to know whether or not I live alone.)

random guy: Well, we're washing carpets for homeowners.

me: I have no carpets in here. (I lie!)

random guy: No throw rugs? nothing?

me: No. Nothing . (oooh! I lie again!)

random guy: Uh, ok. Uh, Sorry I thought you were younger than me.

He then shuffled down my front steps and scurried to the next house.


what?

Finally!

The jerks next door have finally moved their old mattress from the side of my house.

This probably had something to do with the fact that yesterday I opened my window and yelled...
"PLEASE REMOVE YOUR MATTRESS FROM MY PROPERTY. IT IS VERY INCONSIDERATE OF YOU TO PLACE YOUR GARBAGE AGAINST MY HOUSE!" in their general direction.

Those Jerks...

It is a well known fact that I have rude, bastardy neighbors to the left of my house.

They refuse to speak to me, do not wave back when I wave at them and also ignore me when I say hello. They are awful people.

Actually, they don't ignore me... they roll their eyes in my general direction all the time. So I guess they acknowledge my existence, and hate it.

So I continue to be nice to them, and they continue to abhor my very existence. Which is fine I guess, but sort of disappointing, because all my other neighbors are swell and it'd be nice if they were too.

So the other day, they decided it would be ok to lean a mattress against my house. A wet, soggy mattress.

WHO DOES THAT!?

They can be rude to me all they want... but I draw the fucking line with them LEANING THEIR GARBAGE AGAINST MY HOUSE.

Oh well, hopefully one day they will move. Or die. Whatever.

The Winter is winning...

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Snow me.

Yesterday was the first substantial snowfall of the Winter. When I got home from work I had to shovel my driveway before I could park. Normally when it snows, I try and gun it up and over the snowbank into my driveway. There was just too much snow for that to work. I tried anyway, but stopped once I smelled the burning rubber of my tires spinning pointlessly in the snow.

The sidewalk in front of my house is home to a fire hydrant, so the first thing I do when shoveling is dig out around the hydrant and make a path from it to the street. Safety first!

Anyway, I'm digging around out there and my jerk neighbor comes outside and starts up his snowblower. He then notices me shoveling, stops his snowblower and goes back inside. What the hell. I didn't ask him to snowblow my sidewalk or anything, and I don't expect him to. Is he really that spineless that he feels guilty for not offering help and therefore has to hide inside his damn house until I'm out of site?

All my other neighbors were helping each other dig cars out, salting sidewalks, taking turns sledding down the street and generally having a good time, despite the winter mess. It was great.

I finished shoveling and went inside my house. As soon as my front door slammed shut, that tool came back outside, started up his snowblower and started his driveway.

What a jerk.

What are you supposed to be?

Yesterday was Halloween. Here is a list of all the "Trick or Treaters" that came to my door...

three princesses

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle. Not sure which one. It was the one who wears the orange eye mask. Michalangelo I think.

ninja

kid in a full chicken suit

little kid in just regular clothes with one of those tiny fake handlebar moustaches glued to his face. It should be noted that his 3 college age brothers and his Father came to the door with candy bags as well. They weren't dressed up, but they out-numbered me so I gave them candy too. Jerks.

Three kids in regular street clothes. Looked like they would pummel me so they got candy, even though they weren't dressed up. Again, jerks.

dalmation

Some sort of fairy

little boy dressed as a lady

kid with regular clothes on, but wearing a skull mask

Some kid's mother dressed as a giant fat naked lady. Disturbing.

vampire

the killer from the "Scream" movies

two snotty high school girls that were "too cold to dress up." I gave them candy, but I hope they get cavities.

a kid in regular clothes, holding a fake head

sugar plum fairy

flapper

some sort of broken whore doll. I would never call a little kid a whore. This girl was a senior in high school, and was dressed like a whorish doll. Gross.

zorro

a medieval something

wizard of some sort

the tiniest superman I've ever seen

darth vader

This is only my second year in Suburbia, so I feel compelled to give out good candy. I don't want to be the new neighbor who is known for giving out like, "maryJanes" or Canadian mints. So I handed out big handfuls of gummy things and blow-pops.

Also, I feel like Halloween is sort of similar to when the mob shows up to your deli and makes you pay for 'protection." I feel like if I give these little jerks candy, they won't steal shit off my lawn or whatever, and won't look the other way if my house is burning down. Maybe. I don't know.

Ding-Dong Cart

Now that Autumn has arrived, the ice cream truck that drives around the neighborhood has not been seen. I think it's gone for the season.

I can still remember the first time I heard it. It was the beginning of last Summer, and I had not fully moved into the house yet. My father and I were fixing a lighting fixture in the bathroon, when a faint melodic pinkly tune wafted in the window. We both froze. "Ice cream truck?" we both said in unison, excited at the thought.

Yes. It was an ice cream truck. That familiar, annoying yet comforting sound is easily recognizable. We scrambled around the still empty house looking for money, and flew out the door to trade it for happiness on a stick.

I was already excited about moving into my house, but to learn that it's on an ice cream truck's route....It's nearly too much. I love my neighborhood.

This is the second season that the ice cream truck has been spreading treats around, and I hope that it returns next summer.

It should be noted that I, along with everyone else from Western Massachusetts, call Ice Cream Trucks, "Ding-Dong Carts."
So in the above story, my father and I actually said "Ding-Dong Cart?" in unison. For the sake of allowing non-Western Massers to know what the hell I'm talking about, I made the small word change in the story.

Ding-Dong Cart.

In process...

Almost done!

I don't know what part of this makes me happier... the deck, or the fence that blocks the demon neighbor's view of my yard.

Deck Deck, Goose.

Construction of my deck started last weekend...

There is now a piece of string in my yard that marks where the deck will be. It also keeps people from falling into the post holes that were dug. My neighbors have a little yippy annoying dog that runs into my yard all the time, and it would be quite a shame if one of them tripped and fell into one of the holes while running around my yard yelling at their dog at 3 in the morning, like they do ALMOST NIGHTLY. I feel bad for that dog. It's not her fault that her owners are such jerks.

Another great thing about this deck is that there will be a fence on one end to block the jerks from staring and snickering at me while I'm simply trying to grill a frankfurter in my own yard.

I can't wait.

Another reason why not EVERYONE needs a cell phone...

If I am sitting in my car at a stop sign, and you are driving while blathering away on your cell phone and you rear-end me WHILE I'M FULLY STOPPED, I should have the right to hop out of my car and punch you in the throat.

Just sayin'.

Shove it.

The above picture sums up how I feel right now.
I've been dealing with this whole identity theft crap all day, and I'm still not finished squaring everything up. I've got to go to the bank tomorrow and iron some stuff out. This is crazy.

Everytime I think about this, I picture the Rockettes in a kick-line with top hats singing "Identity Theft" over and over again while kicking and waving their hats in the air. I don't know why.

Aaaannnnnd, to top off my great day... I get home and the sidewalk on my side of the street has been removed. All that is left is really deep, soft dirt the entire length of the street. Something to do with the water lines or something. I hope a new sidewalk gets put in soon. The woman that lives next to me is in a motorized wheelchair and now she can't leave her property because her wheels can't make it through the dirt... she gets stuck.

Yowzaa.

Gateway Drug

I drive around Boston quite often. The city is full of HORRIBLE drivers, so I end up flip people off a lot while manuevering around the streets, in addition to swearing like a sailor out my window. (Hi Mom!)

But lately, it's not enough. I feel as if "flipping the bird" doesn't have the power that it once had. I need something more. Something with more meaning. Something that will really let a person know how much of a tool they are.

Right now, the only thing that elicits a big reaction anymore is blowing kisses to furious road-raged drivers. It makes them even more angry, which is endlessly amusing.

Damn.

Two Hundred and twenty bills later, Chris's car is out of the tow lot.

Wonderful.

I have really great neighbors that live across the street. We'll call them "Dan"" and "Mary." Dan and Mary asked me to watch their house for them while they vacation on Cape Cod from Friday to Tuesday. No problem. I've looked after things for them before, and will gladly do it again.

SOOOOOOO.... Some friends and I went to a demolition derby (which is a whole other story). We met up at my house to drive from there. When my friend Chris arrived, I told him to park his car in their driveway so that it would look like someone was home there. Fine. ( A lot of people seem to think that houses won't be broken into if a car is in the driveway because it looks like someone is home, I somewhat agree...it can't hurt anyway.)

We go to the derby, have a grand old time and then get back to my house around 12:30 Sunday night (or monday morning, whatever). As I'm driving down the street I notice Chris's car is gone. Oh good. It's been stolen. I hope Dan and Mary's house wasn't broken into!

Then I notice a light on in Dan and Mary's house. I call Mary.....

Mary says Dan came home early from their vacation, saw the car and went around to all the neighbors to see who it belonged to. I, of course, wasn't home. Dan thinks maybe it's mine. Mary tells him that I would have left a note or called them. (I didn't call them because I didn't want to interrupt their vacation, because they weren't supposed to be back until Tuesday. I was just trying to help them out by keeping a car there!) After much hemming and hawing, Dan had the car towed. The police showed up to make sure it wasn't a stolen vehicle and blah blah blah....it's at a tow lot.

I call Dan and get the number for the tow company and call 'em. They don't open until 8am. Oh wonderful. Chris is freaking out. I'm obviously going to pay to get the car out because this is all my fault, so there is no need for him to worry about it.
I suggest he sleeps in my spare room, so that we can go to the tow lot right when it open, because the tow lot is actually less than two miles from my house. Chris says he needs to sleep in his own bed and that I need to drive him back to his house in Dorchester. I would normally not mind at all, except now I have to go pick him up at 7 in the morning tomorrow so that we can be back at the tow lot when it opens.. it's now 2:30 in the morning.

This could all have been avoided if i simply called Dan and Mary to let them know I parked a car in their driveway. I was simply trying to make it look as if thier house wasn't empty!

Hopefully there are no problems getting the car out of the lot tomorrow...

What's your sign?

During the first week that I lived in my new house, someone knocked the street sign over at the end of my street. That was a year ago and just this weekend the sign was finally replaced. Whoo-hooo!

It's so much easier giving directions when you can refer to a street sign.

Missing bird.

A flamingo was stolen from my front lawn last week and if I ever find out who the thief is, I will rip their throat out. Not really. Actually, I'm just going to sit in my house, seething.

The odd thing is that they only took one. There are several out there. The jerk could have stolen himself a small flock.

Springtime in Suburbia

A conversation with a door to door salesman.

Them: Hi, we're from xxx Doors and Window and what we're doing is going door to door offering a free window evaluation with a 16 point laser *something* that will tell you where you're losing heat and also detect mold. Are you the homeowner?

Me: Yep.

Them: I love the color. Very different.

Me: Thank-you.

Them: Are you the sole-homeowner?

Me: Yes.

Them: No one else owns this? Just you?

Me: YES.

Them: ok. We'd like to sign you up for an evaluation tomorrow...

Me: No thanks.

Them: It's really a very informative appointment.

Me: As you can see, I have windows.. and I'm happy with them.

Them: You don't have to buy anything, and we give you a $25.00 dollor shell card, just for letting us evaluate your windows.

Me: I'm telling you right now that I won't buy your windows. I don't want to waste some window evaluator's time.

Them: ok. ok. again, nice color.

The salesmen both shuffle down my front steps in their little matching polo shirts.

As if you are the first person to say that...

How long do I need to live in my house before people stop saying "Ah, the joys of owning a home," or "That's what happens when you buy a house," everytime I mention something that I need to repair in my little home?

Seriously.